Lately, I’ve been a bit silent on here. I suppose it has to do with a few things – being incredibly busy finishing up high school, the amount of time I’m enjoying with my family before my first year of college starts, and a lingering sense of disappointment in myself as of late. Which, if you were wondering, kills most of the joy in sharing my heart through writing to inspire others.
I am the kind of person who overthinks more often than I’d like to admit, which often causes unnecessary heartache. If you’re anything like me, your first thought after what seems like a complete failure is, “what did I do wrong?” I’ve been coming to the realization that sometimes, I didn’t do anything wrong. That “failure” is just part of my story.
I have been self-damaging like this for almost my entire life. At times, this feeling of self-blame has been my greatest motivation. But mostly, my greatest downfall. A few weeks ago, I was criticized harshly by someone I looked up to for something I had done my best at. It caught me by surprise and I felt as though I had miserably failed. Maybe I didn’t do as well as I thought. Were other people feeling the way that person was?
My sweet boyfriend said something that really has challenged me since the words came out of his mouth. “I know you’re constantly striving to better yourself, but maybe sometimes people are just wrong about things and there’s nothing you really can do.” *mic drop*
Today, a lovely woman came up to me and gave me a message she had received when praying over me. She told me that I am filled with wisdom beyond my years and will find over time that I reach people in an “unexpected” way — and that it may not be the avenue I have always considered. I find that an accurate ending for the work that has been going on in my heart lately. It reminded me once again that I don’t need to worry about the future or write my own plans — God’s doing just fine writing my story.
It’s become apparent to me that by blaming myself for my shortcomings, I often begin to blame others in order to defend myself; a dangerous path. I don’t want bitterness to even be in the same thesaurus book of words associated with my name. And though sometimes I will be blamed or wrongly assessed for my work, (even by people I respect), I know that my life is ultimately in God’s hands. So even if the opportunity I thought was best for me is refused, I am in complete belief that God knows what He’s doing. And it’s not anyone’s “fault”. It’s just the current of the flow. 🙂
So, Lord, I’m trusting your process. I’m restructuring my heart and mind to reflect that. Use me how you need me, my hands are off the wheel. I’m completely trusting your process.